| The Candywrapper
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.
Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the
corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
"hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious
Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger
went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh
Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew
it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave
her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M,
but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take
my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of
Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better
than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road
and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good
'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would
have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her
stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby
Ruth!
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
The Prayer for the Men in Our Lives
Heavenly father full of grace,
bless my boyfriends sexy face,
bless his hair that grows so straight,
keep him away from all the girls I hate
Cause, Lord we belong together.
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Poem To Us Girls:
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?! |
